I've been forced to think about something this week. No, nobody held me down while shining a bright light in my eyes and screaming, "Think. You hear me? I said think. Now do it. Do it NOW. THINK!." (Ok, maybe I watch too much NCIS!) Circumstances have forced me to think. A lovely young lady is staying at the house with me this week. Tim is out of town so it's just the two of us. I have never met her before this week. She is with an evangelistic team that is in revival at our church and I volunteered to keep some of the team in my home. I was blessed to have Laura assigned to me. Laura is a beautiful lady from New York with a very sweet disposition. I have really enjoyed getting to know her. She is very young-looking for her age. I thought she was about 30, but she has two children in college, so she's obviously older than 30! She is, in fact, one of the oldest on the evangelistic team.
Laura and I were talking when she first arrived and one of the things we talked about was how she came to be a part of this evangelistic ministry. She explained to me that she was from New York. She had been a designer with a high end label, owned her own townhouse in New York and in Boston. She traveled back and forth with her career. According to her, she made "a very, very good living - according to anyone's standards." She had a husband and two children - a son and a daughter. She was living the American dream. She went to a revival service with a friend where this evangelist was in revival and felt drawn to his ministry. She said she felt God calling her to join them and that three of her friends confirmed this calling. Laura left her home, her children, her career, sold her homes and joined this evangelistic ministry. She has been with them for a few years now. Her husband divorced her. Her son, who is now in college won't talk to her. He says she is in a cult. She will call her son a couple times a week and get his voice mail. She said he won't even answer her calls, but she calls him anyway just to hear his voice on the voice mail message. Her daughter has come around and will talk to her, but still doesn't understand why Mom left. According to Laura, all these things are just the price she has to pay to follow Christ. She told me that she was just following the New Testament example of the disciples forsaking all to follow Christ. But was she following Christ or the evangelist?
Hmmm, I really have problems with this. Would God ask a woman to leave her husband and children to join an evangelistic ministry? I don't know. Maybe. I'm not God. I don't think He would, but I don't know everything. I know I feel VERY strongly about my role as a wife and mother. When I first married, I firmly believed - and still do - that my first ministry is to my husband as a wife and helpmate. And then when the children came along, it was my God-given responsibility to raise those children and to train them in the ways of the Lord. My husband and my children are and always have been my first priority in ministry. Even when pastoring, they (not the church members) were my first ministry. It is one that I don't take lightly...one that I have enjoyed and take pride in. I feel honored that God chose me to be the wife of Tim and to mother John-Paul and Becky. I could not just walk away from them and leave them. I don't understand women who do.
Webster defines the word 'forsake' 1. to quit or leave entirely; abandon; desert 2. to give up or renounce (as a habit or way of life); to reject; to refuse. No! No! No! I could not - not EVER - forsake Tim, John-Paul or Becky. The words used to describe 'forsake' sound so harsh, so final. God forbid that I should ever have to forsake my family. So, why did she do it? I'm sure I don't know. Perhaps she felt that she couldn't live for the Lord unless she did. Maybe the pressures of the career and just life in general were too much. Who knows? Would I do it? Could I do it? Exactly what would I give up to follow Christ? As a young girl, I had dreams, aspirations and goals I wanted to reach. There were things I wanted to accomplish, things I wanted to do and had every intention of doing. However, my life didn't go exactly as I had it planned. I'm sure most people can say the same thing. Well, a lot of people anyway...maybe not most. But I don't consider those things a loss. I prefer to consider them more of an exchange. I love Webster! He defines 'exchange' as "giving up something for something else; to give in return for something received." I exchanged my dreams and goals for a very fulfilled life of living for Christ WITH Tim, John-Paul and Becky. Could I have had those things and still been a good wife and mother? Possibly, but who knows? I have exchanged one thing for something much better. I feel like I came out on the better end of this equation! If I never accomplish anything else in this life, I hope I can say at the end that I did my best as a wife and mother.
So, what would I give up? Did I give up careers goals and dreams? I don't know if I actually gave them up. My life just went a different direction. So, what WOULD I give up? Who can answer that? What would you give up?
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Heavy Hearts
The weather has been beautiful. The skies are the brightest blue with the most beautiful clouds. There is just a nip in the air and a few leaves are starting to turn. I've seen and held beautiful babies this week - rocking one of them to sleep, and held my wiggling puppy as he tried to give me kissies all over because he was so excited to me. After all, I had been gone a whopping 3 hours! I got to spend the weekend with John-Paul and Allie. I love going to their house! And I've talked to Becky every day. Tim and I are planning a weekend get-away to Gatlinburg. All seems right with the world.
But all is not right with the world. Not for a lot of people. While in Sumiton with John-Paul and Allie last weekend I got a phone call that one of the young men that went to our church and went to school with John-Paul and Becky had been brutally murdered. We knew him well. His mother was Becky's piano teacher. John-Paul had tried many times to help the young man. Help him? How? What was wrong? Jesse was a good kid. He had a sad story, but he was a good kid. Jesse's mother was a precious lady who had lived a hard life. Her husband, Jesse's dad, was an alcoholic. He literally drank them into poverty. Severe poverty. Regina tried hard to provide for her family and to take care of her two boys, but teaching piano lessons doesn't make one rich. And besides, her husband would find her earnings that she tried to hide and spend them on alcohol. She never complained. She always forgave him and always hoped that he would straighten up and do right. "He's really such a good man. When he's not drinking he's a wonderful husband and father," she would say. We never could figure out if she was trying to convince us - her friends - or herself. She always apologized for him, covered for him, always loved him.
And then tragedy struck Regina is a most horrific way. While teaching piano at the church one day to two little girls, sisters, she collapsed at the keyboard. The girls ran screaming for help because Miss Regina had fainted and wouldn't wake up. Regina didn't wake up for quite a while. The doctors said that Regina had a brain tumor. Regina had a malignant tumor in her brain. She fought valiantly. She fought hard. She fought until the very end. But the cancer won. Regina died, leaving her two sons with an alcoholic father. One of my last conversations with her, she confided over and over again that she was worried about the boys. "He's good, Debbie, but I just don't know if he knows how to take care of the boys. But, he's really a good man. Please don't think he's not." Even in her final days, she was still wanting people to see the good in this mostly-absentee, abusive, alcoholic man she called her husband. My heart broke for her and the boys. At her death, this husband that she said was such a good man didn't even assist in the arrangements for her funeral. He was out drinking somewhere because he was so brokenhearted. Some of us ladies in the church choir took care of all the arrangements, with assistance from her sister in Tampa, Florida. She didn't even have a dress to wear. We made sure she looked very good for her last church service.
And now, just a few short years later, I found out that Jesse had been murdered. Jesse had gotten in with the wrong crowd, and like so many other young kids got messed up with drugs and alcohol. Jesse was a smart boy. He had a lot of potential. He really could have done great things. But life for Jesse was hard. Too hard. He was accepted to Lee University, but he never finished. He would start and stop, and at his death had just started back to Cleveland State. His friends said he was doing pretty good...trying to turn his life around. He had started back to school, was trying really hard to "be good" and by one account, had even turned his life over to God again. John-Paul and his friends tried many times through the years to help Jesse, to be a good influence and a positive role model for him. But life was just too hard. It's easy to do the right thing when you're with the right people in the right place, but when you have to go back home and face the monster of real life, it's just too hard. Too hard for someone who wasn't real strong in the first place. Jesse was out with some friends celebrating a birthday party when the intruder arrived. Jesse tried to protect the girls from the intruder and they got into a physical struggle. The intruder stabbed Jesse with a large hunting knife. The word is that as Jesse lay dying he was praying. His girlfriend prayed with him. He bled out in less than five minutes, but he had time to pray. Regina was a good woman who loved the Lord and taught her boys to love the Lord. Jesse didn't always live right, but he knew Who to call in time of trouble. Jesse made things right with God and today, Jesse is with Regina again! Happy reunion!
His dad? Well, his dad is still the same, perhaps even worse. He has cirrhosis of the liver in advanced stages and probably won't live long. Jesse was killed on a Friday night, actually the wee early morning hours of Saturday. His dad never even went to the funeral home to make the arrangements for his memorial service. After five days, Jesse's friends finally went to the funeral home and made the arrangements. Jesse leaves behind a younger brother. We all worry about him. What will he do? Where will he go? What will he become? Only God knows.
Jesse has consumed my heart and mind this week. I've remembered many times I saw him, talked to him, spent time with his mother. I've felt guilt for not doing enough. I should have done more to help them. I think most of us who knew them are sharing the load of guilt. OUr hearts are heavy.
And then, there are other friends who come calling. We got a phone call yesterday from some friends that we've had for years. Friends that we've been in ministry with. They have really struggled in ministry the past few years and it has taken a toll. They are tired. They are weak and worn out from the battle. It has taken a toll physically on both of them. They are tired of fighting. They have lost their drive, lost their determination, lost their fight. They want to come home to rest. Sometimes the fight becomes too much. It's not always a bad thing to take a few steps back to rest and recover strength. That's when others go to the front to continue fighting for you. They have come back to Cleveland. They said they wanted to come back here because they felt safe here. She said they came back here because we are here. We, Tim and I, they came back because we are here. We went out to dinner with them. We listened to them talk and pour out their hearts. Their hearts are hurting and they needed someone to listen and understand. We've been there. We know what it's like. We understand. After the guys went home, she and I stayed and talked til almost 1 a.m. We literally talked from 5:30 p.m. to 12:45 a.m. Seven hours of pouring out her heart. We laughed. We cried. They are hurting. They've been beat up. They just look exhausted. When I first saw her, I hugged her and said "Welcome back to Cleveland. Welcome home. It's been hard, hasn't it?" Her eyes teared up and she just nodded. Yeah, it's been hard. It's hard to watch people abuse your husband in the name of ministry. It's hard to watch your husband deteriorate physically from the stress. It's hard to have to take control of a situation that your husband would normally and in the past always did take care of. It's hard to keep a right attitude when you're being mistreated. My heart is heavy for them. I know what they're going through. But it won't last forever. They are home where they feel safe, but just being here won't solve the problems. They can rest for awhile, but they will eventually have to face the problem, deal with it and move on with their lives. And they will.
Yepper, it's been a hard week...I've had a heavy heart. My heart hurts for others who are also hurting. But I can rejoice in knowing that the One who knows all things can heal all the hurts. Hearts aren't heavy forever. He gladly lifts our burdens and our hearts are light once again!
But all is not right with the world. Not for a lot of people. While in Sumiton with John-Paul and Allie last weekend I got a phone call that one of the young men that went to our church and went to school with John-Paul and Becky had been brutally murdered. We knew him well. His mother was Becky's piano teacher. John-Paul had tried many times to help the young man. Help him? How? What was wrong? Jesse was a good kid. He had a sad story, but he was a good kid. Jesse's mother was a precious lady who had lived a hard life. Her husband, Jesse's dad, was an alcoholic. He literally drank them into poverty. Severe poverty. Regina tried hard to provide for her family and to take care of her two boys, but teaching piano lessons doesn't make one rich. And besides, her husband would find her earnings that she tried to hide and spend them on alcohol. She never complained. She always forgave him and always hoped that he would straighten up and do right. "He's really such a good man. When he's not drinking he's a wonderful husband and father," she would say. We never could figure out if she was trying to convince us - her friends - or herself. She always apologized for him, covered for him, always loved him.
And then tragedy struck Regina is a most horrific way. While teaching piano at the church one day to two little girls, sisters, she collapsed at the keyboard. The girls ran screaming for help because Miss Regina had fainted and wouldn't wake up. Regina didn't wake up for quite a while. The doctors said that Regina had a brain tumor. Regina had a malignant tumor in her brain. She fought valiantly. She fought hard. She fought until the very end. But the cancer won. Regina died, leaving her two sons with an alcoholic father. One of my last conversations with her, she confided over and over again that she was worried about the boys. "He's good, Debbie, but I just don't know if he knows how to take care of the boys. But, he's really a good man. Please don't think he's not." Even in her final days, she was still wanting people to see the good in this mostly-absentee, abusive, alcoholic man she called her husband. My heart broke for her and the boys. At her death, this husband that she said was such a good man didn't even assist in the arrangements for her funeral. He was out drinking somewhere because he was so brokenhearted. Some of us ladies in the church choir took care of all the arrangements, with assistance from her sister in Tampa, Florida. She didn't even have a dress to wear. We made sure she looked very good for her last church service.
And now, just a few short years later, I found out that Jesse had been murdered. Jesse had gotten in with the wrong crowd, and like so many other young kids got messed up with drugs and alcohol. Jesse was a smart boy. He had a lot of potential. He really could have done great things. But life for Jesse was hard. Too hard. He was accepted to Lee University, but he never finished. He would start and stop, and at his death had just started back to Cleveland State. His friends said he was doing pretty good...trying to turn his life around. He had started back to school, was trying really hard to "be good" and by one account, had even turned his life over to God again. John-Paul and his friends tried many times through the years to help Jesse, to be a good influence and a positive role model for him. But life was just too hard. It's easy to do the right thing when you're with the right people in the right place, but when you have to go back home and face the monster of real life, it's just too hard. Too hard for someone who wasn't real strong in the first place. Jesse was out with some friends celebrating a birthday party when the intruder arrived. Jesse tried to protect the girls from the intruder and they got into a physical struggle. The intruder stabbed Jesse with a large hunting knife. The word is that as Jesse lay dying he was praying. His girlfriend prayed with him. He bled out in less than five minutes, but he had time to pray. Regina was a good woman who loved the Lord and taught her boys to love the Lord. Jesse didn't always live right, but he knew Who to call in time of trouble. Jesse made things right with God and today, Jesse is with Regina again! Happy reunion!
His dad? Well, his dad is still the same, perhaps even worse. He has cirrhosis of the liver in advanced stages and probably won't live long. Jesse was killed on a Friday night, actually the wee early morning hours of Saturday. His dad never even went to the funeral home to make the arrangements for his memorial service. After five days, Jesse's friends finally went to the funeral home and made the arrangements. Jesse leaves behind a younger brother. We all worry about him. What will he do? Where will he go? What will he become? Only God knows.
Jesse has consumed my heart and mind this week. I've remembered many times I saw him, talked to him, spent time with his mother. I've felt guilt for not doing enough. I should have done more to help them. I think most of us who knew them are sharing the load of guilt. OUr hearts are heavy.
And then, there are other friends who come calling. We got a phone call yesterday from some friends that we've had for years. Friends that we've been in ministry with. They have really struggled in ministry the past few years and it has taken a toll. They are tired. They are weak and worn out from the battle. It has taken a toll physically on both of them. They are tired of fighting. They have lost their drive, lost their determination, lost their fight. They want to come home to rest. Sometimes the fight becomes too much. It's not always a bad thing to take a few steps back to rest and recover strength. That's when others go to the front to continue fighting for you. They have come back to Cleveland. They said they wanted to come back here because they felt safe here. She said they came back here because we are here. We, Tim and I, they came back because we are here. We went out to dinner with them. We listened to them talk and pour out their hearts. Their hearts are hurting and they needed someone to listen and understand. We've been there. We know what it's like. We understand. After the guys went home, she and I stayed and talked til almost 1 a.m. We literally talked from 5:30 p.m. to 12:45 a.m. Seven hours of pouring out her heart. We laughed. We cried. They are hurting. They've been beat up. They just look exhausted. When I first saw her, I hugged her and said "Welcome back to Cleveland. Welcome home. It's been hard, hasn't it?" Her eyes teared up and she just nodded. Yeah, it's been hard. It's hard to watch people abuse your husband in the name of ministry. It's hard to watch your husband deteriorate physically from the stress. It's hard to have to take control of a situation that your husband would normally and in the past always did take care of. It's hard to keep a right attitude when you're being mistreated. My heart is heavy for them. I know what they're going through. But it won't last forever. They are home where they feel safe, but just being here won't solve the problems. They can rest for awhile, but they will eventually have to face the problem, deal with it and move on with their lives. And they will.
Yepper, it's been a hard week...I've had a heavy heart. My heart hurts for others who are also hurting. But I can rejoice in knowing that the One who knows all things can heal all the hurts. Hearts aren't heavy forever. He gladly lifts our burdens and our hearts are light once again!
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
I'm Still Here
Despite what others may say, I am still here. Yes, I have taken quite a break but I'm back. My mind has been swirling with things to share. As soon as I clear my mind and shake off the cobwebs, I'll resume putting my thoughts on paper...or on the keyboard...or on the blog...whatever. Bottom line...I'm back!
Friday, April 25, 2008
Happy Hour
Mmmm. Happy Hour at Sonic makes me very happy! Half-price drinks from 2-4. Nothing better than a teeth-chilling cold grape slush when it's hot outside. Gotta love it!
Let's Go Outside!
I've been stuck indoors way too much this week. The office is closing in on me. It's time to get outside and enjoy the beautiful weather. And I'm ready for it! I got me some new sandals with my toenails painted bright red and a grape slush from Sonic...yep, I'm ready to go.
Monday, April 7, 2008
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